i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
