I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
