Pregnant stripper...not hot.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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