Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
