shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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