ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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