One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
