Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
