The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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