Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
