i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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