i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
