His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
