I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
