Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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