the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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