Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
