Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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