To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
