True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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