Someone shit on the floor
the condom got lost in my hair
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
