____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
