I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
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you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
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Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
wow bdsm is so cute
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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