Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
