You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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