i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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