Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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