Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
