So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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