He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
