She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
