i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
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scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
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You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
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