home. puking in laundry basket.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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