I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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