mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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