i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
