I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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