i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I will pee on everything he values.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
