Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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