Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
