Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Jerry, you need to find god
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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