my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
