1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
