I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
