I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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