note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
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No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
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His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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