you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
