I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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