Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
