sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
