why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
