Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
