just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
