I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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